A life lost forever

It was a cool October evening, her spirits a little damp for the freshness of the breeze blowing outside this café, where like every other day she had stopped by to grab her daily dose of coffee. This is the same highway café where they, Anya and Sam, often dropped by when incessant drives through the night got a little too taxing.

Today she is here again, but alone. The encounter in the bookshop is still looming in her mind, his words still hanging in the air.

A fortnight ago, during one of her visits to her favourite bookshop she had caught a glimpse of him, or so she thought, and her heart froze. It was the moment, the encounter she was dreading, secretly thankful that fate had taken one of them so far away that now their ways will never cross. That day too, keeping up with their resolve to tread different paths, Sam had decided against entering the bookshop, seeing her but not acknowledging her presence. Then what changed today, after so many such encounters were avoided with such ease?

Right when she was skimming through the racks of books, holding a copy of Azhar Nafisi’s Reading Lolita in Tehran and Salman Rushdies’ The Ground beneath her feet, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around, and at first her heart skipped a beat like it always did at the sight of him and then the darkness of their history came and stood between them, leaving her glued to the ground.

Sam’s tall, expansive frame engulfed her presence like always, his eyes still as lifeless as a stone – not giving away even an iota of his thoughts, but he looked a little more tired than the last she saw him.

After what seemed like an eternity to her, he finally spoke up, his trademark, “Hey.” “Hey, hi,” she replied in a small voice.

“How have you been?” he asked. Silence. “Still mourning,” she would have liked to say, but could only manage a ‘ummm…fine, thanks. And you?’

He asked her if she cared for a small walk, it was going to be their first, they were used to aimless drives around town amidst making out in which ever lonely corners came their way. The latest fad to increase the city’s green cover had offered them many.

Before she could make up her mind, she found herself walking next to him. This is what Anya would sum her story with Sam as – before she could decide she always found herself doing what he would have liked her to. The imploring look in his eye, which was the only expression they ever wore, was too poignant for her to say no.

After a long stillness, small talk ensued. Neither of them meeting the other’s eyes, consciously avoiding any body contact. Not before long, Sam spoke up. He had come to perhaps redeem himself off the guilt he was bearing for all these years. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“What?” she asked, hoping she hadn’t just heard what she thought she did.

He stepped in front of her, cupped her face between his hands and looked her in the eye for the first time since he had denied her the right of have their child, and repeated, this time more convincingly, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” she felt furious. A sorry is all that he has to say for killing a life, and agony of all those years, she thought, once again even more livid with herself for having come with him in the first place. But breaking down was not an option, she had told herself clearly. Her reply was an icy ‘it’s alright’. Not a word more, not an ounce of her pain getting through her words, though from within she felt as shook up as she was on the day he left her out in the rain to fight her battle alone.

She took a step back, releasing herself from the grip of his hands, turned around and left. There was no scope of bye-byes left between them.

Maira has brought her coffee, just the way Anya liked it – strong, piping hot, laced with chocolate sauce. Her staple ham and lettuce sandwich is lying on the table too, but she has not touched it. Each sip of coffee takes her a notch closer to that dreadful autumn, when some weeks after a drunken night with Sam, she realized she was carrying his baby. No sooner had she broken the news to him than he left town on pretext of some business. For two days, she contemplated, weighed her odds about the possibility of keeping the child. The positives were easily outnumbered by the dynamics working against the it.

“I’ll be back soon and then we will decide what’s to be done,” he had promised. But she didn’t hear from him for two days, his didn’t answer her calls or return her messages, suddenly all his friends didn’t know where he was or when would he return. And time was running out, the doctor insisted if she had to terminate the pregnancy, it better be soon – the sooner the better!

On the third day, after a harrowing night she had made the difficult choice, she was going to have to get rid of the baby, no point bringing it into this world when she couldn’t bring it up the way she would have wanted to. “One last call, Sam will definitely answer. After all, he was supposed to return last night,” she thought and dialed his number. ‘The number you are trying cannot be reached at the moment,’ came the voice from the other end.

She clenched her fist, slammed the phone and wiped her tears, as if to tell herself that she didn’t need that ‘bastard of a man’ to go through this. Hastily, her vision blurred by tears swarming up in her eyes, she picked her bag, grabbed the car keys and headed out. She turned the ignition on, and changed the gears of the car with a vengeance and sped off, stopping only at an ATM on the way to have some extra cash on her, just in case.

The doctor was a middle-aged woman, in her forties, who first coaxed her to arrive at a decision at the “earliest” even though she had a couple of weeks to go before she got into the ‘high-risk category’.

And now the same woman, sat across the table from her telling her how ‘immature, insensitive, despicable’ of Anya it was to land up in such a situation and alone. The moment the doctor had tried to enquire if she was certain with she had actually conceived the child, Anya died some more. She was making up her mind to get up and leave, just then the doctor brushed aside the topic with a wave of her hand and a little snort.

For the next 15 minutes, the doctor was at it with utmost precision, going about it in the most mechanical manner ignoring her pain almost brutally. Tears stung her eyes with her reliving every nano second of that dreadful moment.

A tap on the shoulder, and it was Saara. She has spotted Anya on the terrace, and hurriedly reached out to her. Her ruffled looks told her story, but no, they were not the whining type. So, Saara threw her head back, and then rocked back and forth, before she brought herself to describing her day at the spa…and the new mall, the new line in their favourite store, new books in the shop Anya had returned from, office gossip, and finally, bitching – their favourite sport.

And, like every other time the melancholy was laid to rest. Locked in a corner of her head, only waiting to erupt again.

'If I could ever rape a man!'

She sits by her window, a cigarette in hand….gulping down some coffee! It’s dark, quite and hollow….. or perhaps it is just her! Another trip down the memory lane - turmoil and the same old conflict! Reminds her of Paulo Cohelo’s 11 minutes, which like the rest of his books she couldn’t really finish. But unlike the rest, this does say something familiar, similar, something she understands!
It reminds of that unpleasant touch…. That struggle to get that man off her… the pain of that someone forcing himself inside her and moments later, blood trickling down her body! And, today someone talked about preserving her austerity….What austerity? He perhaps doesn’t judge it by a piece of flesh, intact or missing! But for her, it was never about that piece of flesh or about ‘sanctity’ as they put it!
But that blood trickling down her body, still remains and comes back to hunt her. The pain is still as fresh…. In her dreams she still tries to get that man’s hand off her mouth…she still wants to scream, “I don’t want this.”
She still wishes she had the option of making that choice!
The demons are back tonight and she shall fight them all! And alone! And, for the millionth time, it is back to that wishful thinking - If I could ever rape a man!
Will her pain subside? Won’t the demons return? Doesn’t know!
The darkness is closing in on her…those fingers are running down her body, but she is not ready…but this man is in a hurry….she is refusing, reasoning, trying to explain, convince, talk, stop, beg, fight, beg again…fight some more…and finally, a hand puts her to silence…..her legs are struggling….defining their choice…still struggling to maintain it…. for how long will this 16-year-old fight? But, she hasn’t given up! And then, it suddenly feels like someone has stabbed her with a dagger…. There is pain, there is blood….except there is no dagger…it is his body against hers! But it is hardly making love, isn’t sex either…. it is rape! Tears rolling down her cheeks, she grips the sheet….fight the pains, open her eyes….the room is lit up, there is no blood, she is not naked, the man is gone! No it is not now… it was eight years ago!
Can the goodness of her present life ever blur the demons, the pain, the anger? Will claims of ‘austerity’ ever take those blood stains off her body?

'

Friends - my chicken soup for the lovers' soul

It was like two years lived in a moment. And now, the moment was coming to an end. We sat at my dining table, like always! In those days it was fashionable to get your friends to fill your slam books. Naturally, my ‘best’ friend had to have a place in there! Eight year later, we are both living a line written in that slam book, the exact meaning of which perhaps we both couldn’t decipher back then. He said, “I’m never losing a friend like you, in fact I’m keeping you with me forever. Remove the letters v and n from my name, ‘Varun’ and see what remains ‘aru’ (that’s my name!).” Now I wonder, if it was just a random thought, a coincidence or a sign that it was meant to be!Rewind 8 years, after reading the slam book, I was more than touched. My then boyfriend pulled a huge face! Few days later, I left the place and Varun stayed back. We moved on with our lives, going through our own share of ebbs and falls, the distance did make a difference, but we managed to pop out of nowhere and be there for each other through the best and worst. In many ways, I saw in him my biggest support system, someone I could always bank upon and in more than some ways took for granted. So while we both banked on each other for the little things in life, we had our share of relationships, flings and heartbreaks. There was a constant search to find ‘the one’, as he puts it. We both went around the world searching, and after, what I call ‘dating half the world’, realized, ‘the one’ for us was right there witnessing the search through out. We did not realize this until people from both our lives started posing awkward though provoking questions.Fast forward to present, he was out on his term break from IMA, I was here in Pune carrying on with life as usual. I work for a newspaper. Life had been through so much for in the past few months (I had broken up with my boyfriend of five years), that thinking stories, editing copies and making pages was what I had reduced my life to.Finally, there was my support system right there by my side (no matter how much over the phone it was). He was going through something too, I can’t exactly say what, but it was some sort of an under current and restlessness, which I of course sensed. It was like he had this constant quest and the frustration of not being able to get through it, I reckon. We indulged so much with each other that we grew oblivious of the rest of the world and where it was heading to! I felt the need to share every ‘tiny miny’ detail of my life with him and be updated about what went on his life, felt restless if he wasn’t around at the usual time. It was then, one of my very close friends said how he would make the perfect partner in life; I brushed the idea under the carpet. Then many people who saw our exchanges on Facebook kept asking what was going on. I kept brushing more and more stuff under the carpet! For the first time, I was hesitant in sharing something with him, completely unaware of the fact that something similar was happening at his end. Then a random discussion over the chat led to he finally popping the question! My answer was only obvious!Needless to say, I couldn’t have found a better partner. I wake up to this realization everyday and life just gets better from here!Now, singing and writing songs to each other, having my pictures constantly picassod to be made to look awesome like never before, writing letters despite the constant phone calls and internet chat, juxtaposing ourselves with fairy tale characters, is all part of feeling like 13 again!For those who haven’t found ‘the one’ in their life, I’d say always marry a friend! No other relationship can be as fulfilling!

Cheers!

Must have been home!

My fb status for the day: in this city of strangers, a registration number closer home always strikes a chord.... in this sea of MHs a CH, HP or PB (not necessarily in that order) never goes unnoticed! :)
and the story of it.....It was another regualr monsson day in Pune, the sky overcast, the earth yearning for rain..... I was driving my super-cool bike (though many may beg to differ), through the lovely breeze (that's one of the things I love Pune for). As ususal, I drove down the fly over opposote e-square and just then spotted a maruti - HP 03....., at first it reminded of the first car Pa bought. It was HP 03 0005. :)
Before I realised, I was trying to catch up with the car....and at a traffic signal v met.... i lookd n cudn help but smile..the couple in the car returned a quizzical smile....on an impulse i asked them if they were from Shimla.... they nodded n looked even more confused... as if wondering if they were being stalked or something....This time they spelt out the confusion.... I told them I was from Nahan ( my hometown, i din need to explain it to them, of course they knew)
It was followed by a small rapid fire of the most obvious questions... like wat brings us here n blah...by then the signal turned green, the rendezvous ended!
Though I always have an impulse to talk to people traveeling in vehicles with numbers from CH, HP or .... this was the first time my impulse took over...Guess m home sick, again!

Lil me seems to have had a writer's block....I begin to write but can't thru after a couple of words...my thoughts aren't finding the correct words and so this space has been desrted for a while now. i kno my ardent readers, which are few and far between, have been waiting for a new post and this one isn't going to make a good read..... or may be this doesnt even qualify as a read at all..... so a small post to drive home the point that I exist and I'll be back with a post soontime! :)

Universe-what is mine?

It was a regular telephone call....like the ones we make everday.... me n navreet were talking abt how our days went by.... n other random stuff...discussin how hard this long distnace relation has been...talking abt our frnds...our wrk.... n then all of a sudden he says: “ I was at my work station today...figuring out quotes for a client and all o a suuden it struck me- the world is upto so much.... Obama’s presidency, 26/11, terrorism, recession and here I’m persuading people to buy switches.” Well, I was in spilts, he is a funny guy and has enormous wit!
But later, the fact struck me too.... It took me back to one of our CRM lectures, where MK taught us all about universe and research. We were taught that everything that falls under the purview of your research topic is your universe....Well, it is not limited to research...it well applies to all of us.... We all have a universe we live and die for and whatever happens beyond the confines of our universe is irrelevant to us. And we are irrelvant to everything beyond our universe....How big you make your universe, in many ways decides your importance to the world!!!!
At this thought I started trying what people’s universes would be like.... For me, its Mirror, pwople in Pune who read what I write and who will help me write what people will like to read, Navreet, n Parents.... for Navreet it was the EAO switches which he has quit (I wonder how much this thought contributed to his moving on...but he ain’t any better...like any other marketting guy he would be selling something or the other all his life....)
For Mom it would be her municipal council and the people who have elected her and who keep knocking our door as and when they please to get a street light fixed or get their character’s endorsed....n me of, course!!!!!
For a bpo empolyee, it’s that dumb firang calling up to complain about a broken network or a fridge not working well....he can’t care more about the anything more!!!! Then...a Djs universe.... a school techer’s...an army officer’s.... a cow boy’s..... a whore’s......a wife’s.....
How is a mother’s universe different from Sonia Gandhi’s or a father’s from Obama’s? What is it that make them more than mother’s anf fthar’s and why are there other’s who can never rise above the web of relationships worn around them....
We have a woman who would wake up to decide which bill will be introduced in the parliament...whether the nuke deal should happen.... and on the other there is a woman who wakes up worrying about the breakfast menu...goes on to worry about unwashed dishes, unironed clothes, lunch menu...grocery shopping, dinner men...cribbin family.... unpleasant and reluctant sex...
To this the next obvious question was how much do I want mine to expand... will it just be random people, random publications and at the end of it some bylines to call my own???? So, the a night before I thought I was perhaps the happiest with my work.... The next mornin I woke up with the same old restlessness.....something that had gone latent for so long...I liked being laxed and laid back.... I enjoyed the sense of contentment...but I’m happy to have the restlessness back.... So, m now trying to define my horizons.... figure out the confines of my universe!

Love all!!!

Let’s talk about love! Well...it obviously leads to the men in my life!!!! Now there we have problem..... of defining who really qualify as men in my life.....I mean only the guyd I have dated...well that would be three tales...two of which ended up quite miserably and if I begin including the prospects that were and the crushes...the list will too long....well, well, well....i think long is better than boring!
So lets beign.....where do I begin from...i rember it was in nursery that I for the first time decided whom I wanted to marry..... It was of course an answer to a question from one of those aunties who derive heaven knows what pleasure by askin kids who can’t pee on their own, whom they would want to marry n la la la....So, I was also subjected to the question.... so the most eligible option was Kuber, the only reason could have been that his mother was our teacher and that rendered him some sort of an edge over other..... So, men in powerful position attracted me ever since!!!!
But the next was a real crush.....I was in 3rd standard!!!! The guy was really cute and we shared the same bench in the class....proximity may have triggered it but I’m sure there was more substance to it....and then his dad got transferred and my first ever love interest never took any shape..... But it’s strange how I can still recall the face...it’s one of the most vivd pictures from childhood....and the way he did something weird to his fingers and called them an octopus to scare me...was very cute nad hardly scary....I really tried but could never get a hang of how he did it....I dunno where Sushant is today, or what became of him eventually...to me is still my class 3 sweetheart..... in my mind he is still that 7 year old, someone whom I look at as a cute kid that never grew even in my imagination..... I wouldn’t mind my son to be like Sushant Bhardwaj, when he turns 7!!!! (no dirty inferences pls....)
The next one that I can recal was I think Vinay....my longest running crush ever...that turned it my first relationship with consequences quite devastating fora 13 year old. Well, I was totally into the crush for some 3 years....Can you beat that!!!!! And, then imagine the elation when the guy I was chasing in my mind....actually became my first boyfriend..... and what followed not half as rosy as I expected....but v’ll chuk that.... so the cute coded letter and love notes that he wrote were the cutest part of the relation that lasted some 20 days..... the dude sure put in a lotta effort in coming up with a coded lingo and their decoded explanation...he wrote a note everyday...n gave it me on the brief date we had while I went for maths tutions...never before or after were maths tutions so interesting!!!! Unless of course, the mathe tution in Bathinda...which of course I attended with boyfriend no 2!!!!
Oki so eventually the first relation withered away and I was more then just heart-broken..... N I decided to move outta d town.... Parent not very keen on leaving me all by myslf considerin d condition, entrusted their only child to my unlce and aunt- who are now mommy daddy part 2 for me!!!!! So, Appa as I call him now, was posted in Bathinda then....So well, during those inital days when I din really know a soul in the cantonment that looked so alien to me.... So one day, lady luck smiled on this poor lonely kid....n sent this guy to my place at a time when I was all alone in the house....the bell rang, I opened the dorr and saw this really sexy guy.... And in the evening I got to that this sexy guy’s dad was in appa’s brigade and he would be my classmate......what more could I ask for!!!!! N since he was more familiar with the place and had opted for the same subject combi as mine, he was asked to show me around, take me coaching classes, help me buy books, take me to the swimming pool n blah blah...So since we did alomost everything together, and the fact that I found me quite sexy since day 1....we eventually hooked on!!!!! So that is how the second relation happened!!!!
In the process, I think I found Arjun a little cute but it was hardly a crush..... so the two years revolved more or less around the this guy...cuz there were no better options!!!! later, this relation withered away too.... Again the whole process of being heart-broken and coming outta it.... So the first guy I had a crush on after was Mohit...I still maintain that guy was hot and had he not rushed into things and acted a little too weird...we could have at least been gud buddies if not dated ..... yes, those two dates with him were nice, he quite went out of his way to make it all look nice....but he appeared to despo and chargin so I lost it for him even before I got it!!!! And in the meanwhile things with Navreet happened....and it has been a fab relation since then..... Something more meaningful than just dating.... it was like findin a soulmate and someone you know you can never part ways with!!!! It’ll take a separate to post to describe him n me n what us is!!!! But yes, the list of crushes doesn’t end there.....
I accidentally ended up with a decent score in the cat exam and was made to join CL for gd/pi coaching...Deepak, my instructor there was my first crush while I was still in a relation.....He had this subtle air of attitude around him,some latent style and the way he said ‘boss’...it was quite a turn on!!!!!
PU had a lot in store for.... the first one was Amu, tho most of those who knew him wondered wat ws in him that I so drooled over him...for those of you who don’t he was the most unkept guy in the department, eyes always so groggy that it felt like he had just got outta his bed n walked in2 d deppt, hair unkept, he boasted about not having bathed or changed in socks in weeks (it was so hard that pallav dedicated a post to his stinking socks).... but to me he was cute...very very cute....n still is...he is my longest running crush after Vinay....someone I dunno very well, don’t evn intend to, but someone whom I wud drool over always!!!!! the fact that he is gay was quite a respite but he proved us all wrong by dating Ms Bedi, the choice though in many ways keeps my faith alive!!!! then there was the very popular Goldy..... I’m sure there would be many who dotted, drooled over him....he is by far one of the hottest men I know...a typical jat, but a casanova, a thorough gentle man and an orator par excellence..... He was the president of the student council...and it were his oratory skills and killer looks that had me in awe of him....and the awe continues!!!!
I wonder if I have missed out anyone....have sure tried to list them all here!!!!!