'If I could ever rape a man!'

She sits by her window, a cigarette in hand….gulping down some coffee! It’s dark, quite and hollow….. or perhaps it is just her! Another trip down the memory lane - turmoil and the same old conflict! Reminds her of Paulo Cohelo’s 11 minutes, which like the rest of his books she couldn’t really finish. But unlike the rest, this does say something familiar, similar, something she understands!
It reminds of that unpleasant touch…. That struggle to get that man off her… the pain of that someone forcing himself inside her and moments later, blood trickling down her body! And, today someone talked about preserving her austerity….What austerity? He perhaps doesn’t judge it by a piece of flesh, intact or missing! But for her, it was never about that piece of flesh or about ‘sanctity’ as they put it!
But that blood trickling down her body, still remains and comes back to hunt her. The pain is still as fresh…. In her dreams she still tries to get that man’s hand off her mouth…she still wants to scream, “I don’t want this.”
She still wishes she had the option of making that choice!
The demons are back tonight and she shall fight them all! And alone! And, for the millionth time, it is back to that wishful thinking - If I could ever rape a man!
Will her pain subside? Won’t the demons return? Doesn’t know!
The darkness is closing in on her…those fingers are running down her body, but she is not ready…but this man is in a hurry….she is refusing, reasoning, trying to explain, convince, talk, stop, beg, fight, beg again…fight some more…and finally, a hand puts her to silence…..her legs are struggling….defining their choice…still struggling to maintain it…. for how long will this 16-year-old fight? But, she hasn’t given up! And then, it suddenly feels like someone has stabbed her with a dagger…. There is pain, there is blood….except there is no dagger…it is his body against hers! But it is hardly making love, isn’t sex either…. it is rape! Tears rolling down her cheeks, she grips the sheet….fight the pains, open her eyes….the room is lit up, there is no blood, she is not naked, the man is gone! No it is not now… it was eight years ago!
Can the goodness of her present life ever blur the demons, the pain, the anger? Will claims of ‘austerity’ ever take those blood stains off her body?

'

Friends - my chicken soup for the lovers' soul

It was like two years lived in a moment. And now, the moment was coming to an end. We sat at my dining table, like always! In those days it was fashionable to get your friends to fill your slam books. Naturally, my ‘best’ friend had to have a place in there! Eight year later, we are both living a line written in that slam book, the exact meaning of which perhaps we both couldn’t decipher back then. He said, “I’m never losing a friend like you, in fact I’m keeping you with me forever. Remove the letters v and n from my name, ‘Varun’ and see what remains ‘aru’ (that’s my name!).” Now I wonder, if it was just a random thought, a coincidence or a sign that it was meant to be!Rewind 8 years, after reading the slam book, I was more than touched. My then boyfriend pulled a huge face! Few days later, I left the place and Varun stayed back. We moved on with our lives, going through our own share of ebbs and falls, the distance did make a difference, but we managed to pop out of nowhere and be there for each other through the best and worst. In many ways, I saw in him my biggest support system, someone I could always bank upon and in more than some ways took for granted. So while we both banked on each other for the little things in life, we had our share of relationships, flings and heartbreaks. There was a constant search to find ‘the one’, as he puts it. We both went around the world searching, and after, what I call ‘dating half the world’, realized, ‘the one’ for us was right there witnessing the search through out. We did not realize this until people from both our lives started posing awkward though provoking questions.Fast forward to present, he was out on his term break from IMA, I was here in Pune carrying on with life as usual. I work for a newspaper. Life had been through so much for in the past few months (I had broken up with my boyfriend of five years), that thinking stories, editing copies and making pages was what I had reduced my life to.Finally, there was my support system right there by my side (no matter how much over the phone it was). He was going through something too, I can’t exactly say what, but it was some sort of an under current and restlessness, which I of course sensed. It was like he had this constant quest and the frustration of not being able to get through it, I reckon. We indulged so much with each other that we grew oblivious of the rest of the world and where it was heading to! I felt the need to share every ‘tiny miny’ detail of my life with him and be updated about what went on his life, felt restless if he wasn’t around at the usual time. It was then, one of my very close friends said how he would make the perfect partner in life; I brushed the idea under the carpet. Then many people who saw our exchanges on Facebook kept asking what was going on. I kept brushing more and more stuff under the carpet! For the first time, I was hesitant in sharing something with him, completely unaware of the fact that something similar was happening at his end. Then a random discussion over the chat led to he finally popping the question! My answer was only obvious!Needless to say, I couldn’t have found a better partner. I wake up to this realization everyday and life just gets better from here!Now, singing and writing songs to each other, having my pictures constantly picassod to be made to look awesome like never before, writing letters despite the constant phone calls and internet chat, juxtaposing ourselves with fairy tale characters, is all part of feeling like 13 again!For those who haven’t found ‘the one’ in their life, I’d say always marry a friend! No other relationship can be as fulfilling!

Cheers!